I decided to crop the photo. Otherwise you would have seen the the Little Tikes shopping cart (a toy store threw up on my house), the pair of flats I almost wore instead because I almost lost my nerve to wear the boots, and you can see my husbands shoe in the corner. During the week, I am not the best housekeeper. My schedule is more than hectic...but that, my friends, is another blog entry entirely.
ANYWAY, I saw this photo and I was all, "Dang! I actually look good!" I tossed the flats I almost wore to the side, and went to work...in boots.
I don't even know how to describe the extent to my insecurity. Notice above where I mentioned almost losing my nerve to wear the boots. It is true. Somewhere, somehow, I got it in my head that I do not DESERVE to wear things like that. Only cute, skinny girls with tiny little legs can wear knee high boots. I know how ridiculous that sounds, trust me. It still runs through my mind though. I even see plus-sized women wearing knee highs and think, "Now SHE looks nice!! If only I could pull it off." The truth is, that I could all along.
It is the same thing with leggings. I see plus-sized girls wearing leggings and think about how I wish I could also pull of that look. I got brave this week and wore some black leggings and flats with a tunic sweater. I left the house thinking that I looked pretty cute. I got to work and saw my reflection in the front door and thought, "Aw, hell, no! This was a MISTAKE!" I then walked in CONVINCED that everyone was staring at my chubby legs. I carried my lunch bag strategically in front as if to hide them...not at ALL conspicuous. Ugh. I went through my whole day feeling like this. Finally, I went to leave and stopped to "pick up" my friend and co-worker so that we could walk to our cars together. She went on and on about how cute I looked. What? Seriously? I knew it was true because she is my favorite shopping partner. She is totally honest with me about how I look in clothes. Last week we went shopping and I tried on a pair of jeans that were way too big for me. She said, "Seriously, Courtney? You look like you have a saggy ass in those things." Ok, so maybe I won't give up on the leggings... I knew I looked good when I was at home, but there was something about walking into a public place where others could see me that messed with my head.
Throughout my whole life I have felt like I should hide in my clothes. I wear lots of black, grey, and navy blue. Patterns are not part of my repertoire. Bright colors? Hell, no! All of those things will surely just draw attention me and the fact that I am fat! I want to fade into the wallpaper. I have decided that it is time that I get over that mentality. This is not going to be easy for me. I have thought this way for well over 20 years. I have made some steps in the right direction though.
Yesterday, I went out shopping and purchased a dress on clearance for myself. I would have NEVER tried this on before because there is a (gasp!) pattern. By the way, if you like this dress, buy it in the store. It is on the clearance racks there (not so on the website). With the in-store discount, plus the clearance price, I got this dress for under $20. BOOYAH!!
I have not taken a pic of me wearing it yet...sorry. I do plan to pair it with a black cardigan though. My arms are not ready to meet the world yet, plus it is WINTER in OHIO. Arms must be covered. It looks cute though. Heck, I may even pair it with my new boots!
I also just ordered this dress from Kiki LaRue. I feel like I am the last person in the bloggy world to order from there. I have been secretly drooling over multiple articles of clothing on that website for months now. I finally ordered this...
This is a shorter dress, but I plan to pair it with leggings and flats...possibly even a cardigan on the colder days. I am still waiting for it to arrive on my door step, so we will see... I hope it looks the way I hope it will.
Anyway, I am a work in progress. It isn't just about my weight, it is about how I present myself...no matter what stage of my weight loss I am in. I don't want to fade into the wallpaper. Not anymore.
I am linking up with Motivation Monday this week....my new outlook on things is very motivating to me!