Things I am proud of...

I have found that it has been really easy to beat myself up over every tiny slip up.  I have decided that it is time to focus on what I am doing WELL.  Soooo, I am now going to name Mondays the day where I publicly, via blog, pat myself on the back.  I wish I could think of a snazzy title, but I think I am just going to go with "What Courtney did right for a change Mondays."  A little long winded, BUT I think it could catch on...

Thing I did right #1:

I went to the grocery store with a meal plan for the week.  All of this delicious and HEALTHY food will make up my meals and snacks for the next week.  I am trying my very best to eat as clean as possible.  Overly processed foods are the debbil! hehehe


Thing I did right #2:

These bad boys are in my house and I have not tasted a morsel.  Tim picked them up during our shopping trip this past weekend.  Chocolate and peanut butter has to be my favorite flavor combo EVER.  Why the Pop Tart gods decided to come out with this new product the week I decide to eat clean, I will never know. Damn you, Pop Tart gods, damn you.   Originally, I was going to try to get a nibble off of one...just a tiny bite.   Then I thought, what if they are awesome?  Then they will haunt me on their perch atop the refrigerator.  I don't need that kind of temptation in my life.  Therefore, they will go untasted.


Thing I did right #3:

I exercised...at WORK!  Not sure my boss would agree that this was something I did right today.  Nah, he doesn't care.  I work the week after school is out and things are really laid back.  I worked all day and then a co-worker invited me to come run with her in the gym at school.  I jumped at the chance, because I never get an exercise partner.  I SO WANT AN EXERCISE PARTNER!!  Luckily, because I had a "who gives a crap" attitude, I wore my yoga pants and running shoes to work today.  Only thing I was lacking was a sports bra...which was not great, but oh well.  I had a great time and that half hour flew!  We are had so much fun, we are going to do it all week.  It was so nice to be finished with my workout before even getting home.  We already decided that when school starts back up, we will make it a daily occurrence.  During the summer, I plan to work out each morning during the week.  I need to get back into a routine.  I need to run again, because I miss it.  Weight was melting off when I ran before.  Gotta get movin' again!   Thanks to my lovely co-worker, Barbara, for getting me outta that office chair and into that gym!

My kids will always be the things I did right.  I took this picture of Darcy and I in the little helicopter ride at Kings Island.  I thought it was cute, so I just decided to throw it in.

Recipe: Lighter Eggplant Parmesan

Sooooo, I decided to try a new recipe.  When shopping for produce, I decided to challenge myself with buying and preparing a new veggie that I have never cooked with before.   The lucky winner this week was eggplant, so I decided to make some eggplant parm.   There is kind of a funny story behind the first time I ever tried eggplant parm.  Shall I digress?  Well, ok, then...

I was very pregnant with Darcy...ready to burst.   One Friday morning, I went into what I thought was labor.  I was having regular contractions and everything.  Then, all of a sudden it all stalled out and my hopes at not being pregnant anymore were shattered.   That weekend, Tim and I were trying all of the things that are supposed to encourage labor.  We took long walks. I ate spicy food.  I even bought this special tea.  I was so uncomfortable and ready. I am not normally this impatient.   While searching Google, (which is, of course, infallible medical advice) Tim came across an old wives tale that states that eggplant parmesan is supposed to help one go into labor.  Olive Garden for dinner, it was!!  I am not sure if I really thought this would work or if I wanted an excuse to got to Olive Garden....  ANYWAY, we went.  I ate eggplant parmesan, which I LOVED.  Nothing happened.   We ate at the OG on a Saturday evening.  My water broke the Tuesday after right after I coughed while standing at the kitchen sink.  All of that and all I had to do was cough, apparently... If you know Darcy, you know that is how she rolls.  Has kept mommy guessing from the very beginning.

Back to the recipe!!

Ingredients:   197 calories/2 pieces

• One large eggplant
• Milk
• 1/2 cup flour (I used wheat.)
• 1/3 cup bread crumbs
• 1 tablespoon canola oil
• 1 cup pasta sauce
• 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

Instructions:

• Start by slicing the eggplant.  Then, soak in milk.  I heard that this cuts the bitterness of the eggplant. I suppose this step could be skipped, but I decided to take the advice I found online. Soak for about 20 minutes.

• Preheat your oven to 425.
• Drizzle canola oil evenly over a cookie sheet.
• Coat eggplant in flour/bread crumb mixture

• Place eggplant slices on cookie sheet
• Bake for 10 minutes, turn slices, and then bake another 10 minutes

• Top each slice with a spoonful of pasta sauce and sprinkle with Parmesan cheese.
• I served with a cup of whole wheat spaghetti.  It was really good!

The only change I would make is that I would either use white flour or no flour at all and just stick with the breadcrumbs as a coating.  I may also go with panko bread crumbs to change it up.  I just did not care for the whole wheat flour as a coating, but that is just me.  I will it for my whole wheat banana blueberry muffins! Hmmm...will have to post that one eventually too!

New beginning

The BEFORE pictures.

This is a big step because full body pics make me want to puke. Determined to make a transformation. 

Starting weight: 255 lbs. (cringe)

Rock Bottom...

I read recently that before a person can have their "a-ha!" moment for any change they want or need to make in his or her life, they have to go that place where they hit rock bottom.  The place where it seems like it can't get any worse, so it any changes in the right direction will be at least somewhat profound.  My friends, I think I am there.    I could write an upbeat post about recipes or great sports bras, but this is an honest look at my life, so I plan to be honest.

I have been trying for WEEKS to get myself on track.  I even rejoined Weight Watchers in order to get the support I thought I needed at meetings.  After a lot of thought, I have realized that I still do need support, but Weight Watchers is not for me anymore.  I decided to end my subscription and I was really depressed about that because I felt as if I had failed somehow.  The truth is that just because this method does not work for me, it does not make me a failure.   I just need to go back to the drawing board and figure out what will work for me.

The reality is that I have not been going crazy and eating bad foods.  I have been active.  There is room for improvement though.  There are things that I can do better.  I know what those things are.  It is just so damn hard to be honest with myself.  SO. DAMN. HARD.   I think it has a lot to do with admitting that I have a problem.  Admitting that I have a problem means I have a weakness.  Admitting that I have a problem means that I have failed in an area of my life.  I don't like to fail.  I have an extremely difficult accepting when I fail.  Is this an issue? Yes!  Is this part of my battle? Absolutely!  It is so important that I decide to work on being kinder to myself while embracing healthier habits like proper diet and exercise.  It is not going to be easy, but as I sit here typing this with tears in  my eyes, I have realized that this is one of those rock bottom moments.  One of those moments where I feel powerless.  HOWEVER, now is the time to be empowered rather than surrender to a lack there of.

I will do this.  It will be hard and it will not be overnight.  Just be patient with me as I stumble along the path.

Recipe Time: Chicken Tortilla Casserole

One of my issues with lunch time during the work week is that I need something substantial in order to keep me full.  I find that many times I do not get enough protein in.  I am not sure if this will do the trick or not, but Mexican type food sounded good this week, so I decided to develop a concoction that is a taco-like casserole.  One of my favorite fast-food places is Chipotle.  I LOVE me a nice burrito bowl.  I tried to incorporate some of my favorite elements into this casserole.

So, here it is.

Chicken Tortilla Casserole

Ingredients:

• 12 corn tortillas (I actually used 10 because I was running low, but 12 would have been ideal.)
• 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breast.
• 2 cups of your favorite jarred salsa - I used the organic Meijer brand.
• 1/2 cup of canned, black beans (I do not like a ton of beans, so add more if you like)
• Corn (I had fresh corn on the cob.  I cut the corn off 3 medium-sized ears.)
• 1/2 cup of your favorite canned enchilada sauce
• 1 1/4 cup shredded colby jack cheese
• Chopped cilantro

Preparation:

1. In the morning, I put one pound of boneless, skinless chicken breast in my crockpot with a couple cups of salsa.  I cooked it slow and then later shredded the chicken with a couple forks, for a nice chicken filling.  If you don't have the time to cook the chicken in the crockpot, you could probably speed up the process by cooking on the stove.  I always use the slow cooker though.
2. Once the chicken is finished, start shredding prepping your casserole.
3. Prehead oven to 350.
4. Line the bottom of the pan with a light layer of enchilada sauce.
5. Layer half of the tortillas on top.
6. Add half of your ingredients: chicken, corn, beans.
7. Sprinkle on some cilantro and 1/2 cup of cheese.
8. Repeat the layers only adding the rest of the cheese as the final layer.  
9. Bake at 350 for 20 minutes.

So, listen.  I am not a professional chef.  This is something I literally made up as I went along.  I measured because I wanted to keep track of my calories.   I made this based solely on my personal tastes.  Feel free to adjust according to what you like and add/subtract calories accordingly.

I plan to serve with a romaine lettuce salad.  If I am really hungry and have the calories, I will definitely add in a small serving of brown rice also.

Servings: 6
Weight Watchers Points/Serving: 9
Calories per serving: 379

Learning about myself...

It is a mystery to me how my motivation can fluctuate from highly motivated one day, to having nearly no motivation in me the next.   I mean, I want to be healthier, but I am not always doing what needs to be done in order to get the job done.  See, most people who lose their motivation seem to lie to themselves.  I'm not! So, I am having a really difficult time understanding my behaviors.  As I have reflected this week, I feel like maybe planning is an issue.   You see, I am an ultra busy person (as many of us are).  I am also very much a planner.  Soooo, lack of planning combined with my busy schedule results in haphazard, fly by the seat of my pants behaviors -- especially with food.  My plan this week?  To PLAN.    I have found a nice recipe for a skinny, clean eating version of enchilada casserole.  I am going to make it tomorrow and take it in my lunch this week.  I plan to pair it with lots of healthy veggies, so that I don't get that afternoon crash where I am starving and really don't give a crap what I eat.    I am also going to clean out the fridge and avoid buy foods that are trigger foods for me.  AKA:  No dark chocolate candy bars.  As much as I tell myself that I will only have one square....that just doesn't happen.

Besides my poor planning this week, I DID do a few good things...

This is my standard "Happy Birthday" cupcake from work.  The school year is nearly over and the social committee provides birthday cupcakes to people on their birthdays.  Since my birthday is in the summer, I got mine on Friday.  This delicious looking treat sat on my desk all day and I wasn't even close to tempted to eating it.  One of my students came in salivating over it, so it went to him.  This kid's family has no money and he is lucky to get 3 square meals a day, let alone a special treat.  So, I was more than happy to allow him this indulgence.   I am proud of myself for not instantly devouring this thing.  In the past, I would have.

On the same kind of note, I AM noticing that I am listening to my hunger cues a lot better lately.  I stop eating when I am full.  I don't have this urge to clear my plate no matter what anymore.  That is a just an old behavior learned from childhood, that I have had to work on.  Don't get me wrong, there are still occasions where my plate is cleared, but if I am starting to get full, I stop.

I was alone with both kids for Friday and Saturday.   It was hard not having help (huge credit to the single moms out there!), but I got through it without stress eating.  I love quality time with my kids and we had some much needed mom and kid time. 

We went to a wedding yesterday, and had a nice time.  I got to spend some quality time with my family and I loved every minute of it.  We don't get together all at once often enough.  It was really nice, because we were sitting around a table at the reception, and we had time to sit and catch up -- including a very involved conversation with my dad about awesome TV shows.  I love them all so much, and moments like that help you understand the importance of being around as long as you can for those you love.  It makes you want to do better.  Without even knowing it or without them even trying, they inspire me.  

(From the left: Me, my mother (Cathy), my son (Aidan), my dad (John), my daughter (Darcy), my sister's boyfriend (Scott), and my sister (Carrie)

My sister and I.  I love her!  We don't get together often enough, but when we do we always have fun.  This was our attempt at a "selfie."  We were contemplating mocking those who choose to pose with a "duck face", but we couldn't even bring ourselves to do that in jest.  Instead, we went for the overly enthusiastic look.  I think it turned out cute though!

My attempt to get a cute picture with Darcy.  Unfortunately, I am the only one who looks happy.  She looks ask if she is plotting my death in this one...

So, yeah, great weekend!  I learned a lot about myself this week too.  Looking forward to spending the rest of this long weekend with family.  

Faces of a Dressing Room...

I read a really good blog post today from one of my favorite blogs, where the author talked about her difficulty being confident enough to buy great clothes, her insecurities, etc.  I identified with every single word.  It inspired this post because it is something that has been on my mind due to a recent, somewhat unsuccessful attempt to purchase new clothes.

My experiences in a dressing room can be summed up by a few different facial expressions... (Again, I hate taking pictures of myself, but for demonstration purposes, I felt it necessary.)

FACE #1

Unfortunately, this is the most frequent look on my face.  This is the "Oh HOLY HELL!" look.  This look is reserved for those occasions where I see an awesome outfit on the hanger that I JUST KNOW is gonna look great, and then I am sucked back into reality.  Recently, this is the look that appears on my face on most of the occasions that involve trying on maxi dresses.  NONE OF THEM have EVER looked even remotely good on me, yet I keep trying them on and holding out hope that one fine day that I won't look like a manatee in the damn things.  All I want is a cute long dress that can be worn with flip flops!  Is that so much to ask?  

FACE #2

This is the look on my face that is reserved for bathing suits.  (bahahaha)  All I can say, is thank Baby Jesus that bathing suits now exist where you can buy skirt or short bottoms.  

FACE #3

This look is either really good or really bad.  Most recently, it was the look I got because I tried on a size 16 dress that actually fit...and didn't just fit, FIT WELL.  I was in shock.  When this look is good, it is usually followed by a happy dance.  Seriously, if I love an outfit or fit into a smaller size, dancing does occur.  When this look is bad, I am usually shocked and disgusted by my bat wing arm flab, muffin top (So, sad that muffin top has a negative connotation, because they are, in fact, the most delicious part of the muffin...but I digress.), or the width of my butt.  

FACE #4

This is the dressing room face that I aspire to have.  I aspire to be happy with the way I am.  This does not mean that I want every outfit I try on to magically look hot.  This means that I want to be happy in my own skin.  This means that I want to be able to look in the mirror without automatically tearing myself down...to be able to acknowledge when I actually do look good.  This face to me is happy, confident, and care free in a sense.  

Where did this all come from?  Well, I mentioned that I was inspired by another blogger, but it was really something I was toying with after an experience that I had this weekend.  I have a family wedding to go to this weekend (Congrats to Lauren and Ryan!).  Since I knew that I had this event to go to, I was in the search for a dress.  I wanted something fun and pretty for an outdoor, spring wedding.  Anyway, awhile back I found one I liked and bought it online.  I tried it on again this weekend and I had a really hard time.  It fit.  It probably looks nice, but it is almost like I feel like I don't deserve to look nice in something so fun and cute.  Although, the dress is perfectly decent, I kept looking at it and wondering if it was too short for someone like me (translation: a fat chick) to wear.   I am going to suck it up and wear it anyway because, well, I don't have time to find anything else, and hope to not be self conscious the whole time.  I just want a time where I feel pretty, fun, and confident.  It is hard to imagine that this day will ever come, but I am going to work on it.  

I really need to step outside of my box and decide to try on and wear things that I automatically assume will make me look gross.  I need to shop with friends, because most of my friends and relatives have great senses of style!  I need their help.  Are you listening friends and family?!  I need your help!  That is assuming that anyone is even reading this.  

Until that fine day where I can have more number fours than number ones, I will try to remember this:

And this...

because it is seriously hilarious...and TRUE!   hehehehe

but no, seriously, the first one... :)