Seriously?

As all of you who have been reading may know, I recently did the Advocare Cleanse.  I haven't really reported back on it because I had mixed feelings about the results.

First, I am going to focus on the positive.  The cleanse tasked me with cleaning up my eating habits.  I was eating within my calorie allowance before, but it included sugar and a lot of processed stuff.  What I can say about the cleanse is that I have a whole new lease on clean eating and I have not turned back. I feel a lot better and more in control with my food, which made it more than worth the effort.

Weight loss? Nope.  I weigh EXACTLY the same as I did when I started.  I know I said that I would be happy with at least getting a handle on my eating...even if there was no weight loss.  I thought that was true, but I am disappointed.  Usually, I lie to myself and say I did everything I was supposed to do, even though I didn't.  In this case, not true.  I ate really well.  I wrote down every morsel.  There may have been days where I did not drink enough water, but I wasn't drastically under the suggested amount per day.  I also exercised a minimum of 4 days out of the week.

This is not something that has just happened with the cleanse.  It happens all. the. time.  I put forth a ton of effort and nothing.  I have been to my doctor and requested blood work to test my thyroid, blood sugar, and hormone levels.  It all comes back normal.

The only thing strange going on with my health is that I get ovarian cysts pretty often.  I have been to my doctor about this too.  It doesn't matter whether I am on or off the pill, they still happen at least once in between each of my cycles.  I have not been diagnosed with PCOS, because I do not have any of the other symptoms associated with it.  Because of the cysts, I am often bloated and retaining water.

I am not trying to be hard on myself.  I am just frustrated, that's all.  I am living healthier than I ever have.   I AM proud of that.  It is just difficult to see the scale frozen.  I refuse to give up though. REFUSE!!  It is just here I am blogging about weight loss and I cannot update my progress page, because, well, there is no progress on the scale.  I have made progress in other areas though, so there is that.

I just wanted to be honest with everyone.  I think it is just as important for readers to read about struggles.  It makes the journey real.  I know when I have read about the struggles of others, I am not happy they are struggling, but I am relieved that I am not alone.

Have any of you experienced any of these issues??

Some New Motivation

I am willing to take motivation wherever I can get it.  I have some new reasons that revealed themselves over the weekend that I thought I would share.

Aidan noticed I was fat.

<GASP> Well, duh, Courtney.  You haven't been wearing some cloak of fat invisibility that you picked up on your last trip to Hogwarts.  If there was one, surely Hagrid would be wearing it.  (Ok, uh, yeah, I like Harry Potter.)

Anyway, he wasn't mean about it.  I was carrying something and my shirt came up a little bit and she saw my belly fat.  He started laughing and said, "Mommy, I can't believe you're fat!"  I knew he did not mean it maliciously and I didn't take it that way.  This kid is the sweetest and he never goes a day without telling me that I am beautiful (seriously, sweetest kid in the history of EVER).   The reason that this is new motivation is because I want to be a positive example to my kids in many areas, but I want one of them to me a healthy lifestyle.  Both of my kids are active, fit kids, and I want to keep it that way.


Amusement Parks

We have season passes to Kings Island.  I love going with the kids and watching them have fun. Quite frankly, I am sick of the belts being tight and the little bar that comes down for safety being so tight against my stomach -- so tight it is uncomfortable.  I also saw a ride this past weekend that I really wanted to ride, but was afraid to because I thought I was probably too fat to ride it.  I was. You and your partner could only weight a total of 275 pounds, and unless Aidan only weighs about 28 pounds, it wasn't happenin'.  So, Aidan had to ride it himself and I stood and watched from the little side gate.  That sucks.

Oh well...to offset that visual of my fat hanging over the safety bar, here are some cute pics from this weekend:

'

Pending Beach Vacation

This is a big one for me.  We have decided that we are definitely going to chip in for a condo with other family members for a Myrtle Beach vacation next summer.  I am super excited because I loved our last vacation there.  My goal?  I want to go to the beach thinner.  I have a little under a year to make some good progress.  I am not expecting to be at goal.  I am just hoping to be well on my way.  I want to wear fun beach clothes like bathing suits and sundresses and feel cute.  I wore all those things the last time, but I had this cloud of insecurity following me...even though no body even cared but me.  I want to be lighter.  "Nuff  Said.

I am linking up with the Motivation Monday Team for the first time today.  I decided it was only appropriate since I am discussing some new motivators in my life!  Happy Monday!

Fess Up Friday

I have some confessions to make

Confession #1: It seems like whenever I get one aspect of my fitness in check, I slack in another area.

We all know there are two basic rules to getting fit -- eating right and getting active.  Yeah, basic, my ass....ANYWAY...

Those of us who are in the thick of all of this know that all of this is much harder than these two rules.  There are mental aspects in both areas that can be a barrier.  The truth? We are our own worst enemy in most cases.

FLASH BACK - 2 WEEKS AGO:

I was getting up early and running nearly every morning.  Some days, I was doing a Jillian DVD in the evenings.  I was doing 2 workouts per day.  I felt great.   The food?  I was doing just ok.  I was not making the healthiest choices.  I would stay within my calorie allotment, but doing so by eating crap.   My "off" food days were sort of offsetting my hard work with exercise.  I was active though and feeling awesome about that.

THIS WEEK

Since doing the Advocare Cleanse (I will update you on all of that soon.), I have been eating great! I have been eating a clean and balanced diet.  I feel great about that.  Guess what, though?  I have not gotten up for my morning runs.  I have done Jillian DVDs, but only twice this week.  I love the feeling I get when I run, so why don't I do it?  I don't know the answer, other than I have been lazy.

I REALLY need to get a handle on this.

Darcy and I after completed 30 Day Shred DVD.  She likes to do it with me...kind of.  

Confession #2: I am still really insecure when I run.

When I go run, I choose hours of the day where there are fewer people out in their yards, fewer kids outside playing, and fewer cars out on the road.  I choose routes that are not as busy with traffic.  I know how ridiculous this sounds.  I really do.  I just can't seem to get over this insecurity.  I am working on it.  I try really hard to say "Screw, everyone else and their opinions about how I look!"   That is really hard though.  I revert back to the scared, timid girl I used to be in high school and, again, I have no idea why.

__________________________________________

I have found that blogging has become one of the best sources of support that I have ever experienced when trying to lose weight.  I don't have hundreds of followers, but those of you who do follow are consistently supportive, and I cannot thank you enough.   I describe myself as a success story in progress and that is exactly what I am.  I am still figuring all of this out.  I have not lost a crazy amount of weight...yet.  I am working on myself as a whole, and I am hoping that by taking this approach, I will see results that I can maintain. 

I saw this quote and really liked it.  It is keeping me motivated:

I Did It.

Ok, so over the past few days I have alluded to the fact that I had made some really good food choices over the holiday weekend.  This is exciting for me, because making food choices is something that I find particularly difficult.  I mean, let's be honest, making the wrong ones is the reason I am the size I am today.  So, get comfortable, cause this is gonna be a long post about food.

I began my Advocare Cleanse on Monday and almost didn't because I knew that I would be out of town from Thursday until Saturday.  I thought of how difficult it would be to eat clean when not in my own home calling all the shots.  I quit that way of thinking and decided that this would be the ultimate test.  I decided that it is finally time to gain control in a situation where I would normally feel totally out of control.

So, I took on the challenge...

Barbecue number one had more than pictured above to tempt my taste buds.  However, the two things pictured would have been the things that I overdid -- chocolate chip cookies and Butterfinger Puppy Chow.  I didn't touch them.    Other tempting treats included:

• Homemade Macaroni and Cheese
• Nachos
• Chips
• Cheesecake
• Chocolate Cake
• Ice Cream
• Hot Dogs

I brought a large bowl of tossed salad to share.  I ate it with a plain hamburger chopped up in it along with fresh fruit.  I was full and it tasted good.  To say I did not want any of those foods listed above would be a lie, but the important thing is that I did not eat them.

The second barbecue included treats such as:

• Lots of cake
• Barbecue Ribs
• Burgers
• Hot Dogs
• Key Lime Pie Cheeseball
• Adult Beverages -- something yummy and fruity looking, not sure what it was though
• Nacho Dip

What I ate:

The pasta salad on the plate was a healthier version that I made with whole wheat pasta.  I did eat one small serving of ribs.  I know it may not be healthy, but that is the one food out of everything that I never get to eat otherwise. So, I had a taste.  Not even a little bit sorry about it either.  I did try some of the salsa dip, but not with chips.  I decided to dip celery in it.  Delicious!

The pasta salad I made. It had veggies, whole wheat pasta, turkey pepperoni, and organic Italian salad dressing.

I am really proud of a lot of the decisions that I made.  We went out to eat and I ate well.  We went for pizza and I had a big salad with grilled chicken.  We went to a restaurant famous for fried fish (I mean, seriously, that batter would make a fried shoe taste good).  I ate baked fish, green beans, and a sweet potato -- no butter or brown sugar.  My mother in law made cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  I ate oatmeal.   I seriously rocked it!

This is what I learned was most important about the whole weekend:

My kids enjoying their meal.

Darcy playing in the sun.

Tim and Darcy Swimming

Darcy and my niece checking out some of the neighbor's fireworks

At these parties and get-togethers, it is the people that are important.  I found myself enjoying those who surrounded me a lot more, when I was not so focused on the food.  All of the stuff that was so hard, was not so hard anymore.  I just told myself to walk away from the table and to enjoy the people that surrounded me.  You know what?  I was right and it worked. 

Runnin' With the Corn

No,I am not losin' it. Although I do picture those food macots running around at baseball games. Like the hotdog versus the bratwurst... Totally seeing myself running with mascot corn right now. Awesome!  Ok,moving on...

What I meant was this:

I took a run near my in-laws' house this morning in New Haven,IN (a small town just outside of Fort Wayne). It was such a different atmosphere and I loved every minute of it. Everything was so quiet and I saw peaceful views like that...quite different than Cincinnati.  I also didn't mind trading in the hills of the 'Nati for a flat running terrain. I know the hills are good for me in the long run,but it was a welcome change. The biggest hill I had to run on was the driveway back up to the house. 

I also know that I said I would not blog until we got home,but I lied. I am sitting

on the front porch enjoying the breeze and cooling off. Figured I may as well say hello. It won't be long though,cause I am doing this from the Blogger app on my iPhone. So,this pretty much feels like I  am sending one giant text. 

I am just so proud of myself. Usually my suitcase is packed with merely good intentions. As in there are workout clothes in there,but they never get used. Today I used them. Yesterday,I ate like a champ and FINALLY decided to focus in the great people surrounding me as opposed to the delicious,yet calorie-laden food. I know that doesn't seem like much but even "typing" about it on my little phone brings me to tears. It IS a

big deal,for me. So while I still have a lot of weight to still lose,I am making breakthroughs every single day. I am finally proud of myself,which is something I have not felt in a long time. 

So,I guess I close today with giving you the challenge of making a new breakthrough...even if it is something as small as not going back for seconds. But see,that is small to me,but it could be HUGE for you! We all have very unique battles. Fight yours the best way you know how.

Sweaty me post run. If this gal can do it,you can too. Or at least this girl is happy to be a source of support! Happy Friday,everyone!

THUD!

Shhh....Did you hear that?

That was the sound of me jumping and landing face first onto the ADVOCARE CLEANSE BANDWAGON!!!

Truth be told, I have been doing a lot of reading on a lot of different blogs, and while opinions do seem to be mixed,the consensus seems to be that doing this cleanse has helped people gain more control over their eating habits.

That, my friends, is exactly what I need.

Any amount of weight loss as a result will be awesome, but if I can gain control over what I am putting in my pie hole, that will be the biggest victory.

So, I have to admit, everyone's recounts of drinking the fiber drink had me scared...real scared.  I was having dreams about drinking this stuff.  Thanks to everyone's complaints about the texture, I was having dreams where I was trying to drink it and finding objects in it like toy trucks and shit.  You think I am lyin'?  I'm not!   

The good thing about all of these horror stories of people gagging, etc., is that when I went to drink it, I would say that it was not that bad.  I went with some advice which stated that the peaches and cream tastes better than the citrus, so I ordered the peaches and cream.  I shook it up with some cold water and I CHUGGED.  I did not come up for air. It was a feeling I have not felt since old frat party days -- as in drinking questionable drinks in single gulp...perverts (Ahhh, memories...)  When I got it down without the feeling that I was gonna hurl, I felt victorious.  I could feel some of the grit in my throat, but I just drank another glass of water after and all was well.  

So, well, it wouldn't be a Advocare Cleanse post without discussing food and bowel movements.  I am going to spare you the last one.  I talk about poop with my 3 year old enough...kinda wanna break from that.  

ANYWAY... The food...

BREAKFAST:

Healthy Cookies from Skinny Taste  with a side of berries.  Yes, I am eating it out of a baby bowl. I like bunnies on my table settings, folks.  Truth be told, I wasn't that hungry after the fiberlicious drink I had a few minutes prior.

I got over that full feeling at about 9:30 this morning, so Darcy and I shared some celery with natural peanut butter.  I am so happy that she willingly eats my healthy junk.

LUNCH:

I had some of my grilled chipotle chicken with rice, sauteed peppers and onions, a few corn kernels, pico de gallo, and brown rice.  It tasted so damn good.  I knew that salad was on the menu for dinner, so I decided to go for a more substantial lunch.  

DINNER:

Taco Salad.  Monday is taco night in the Brooks household.  I was a little less than enthused about this because tonight, for me, it meant no form of tortilla or cheese.  It was all still really good though.  Just had a load of veggies with my taco meat. I didn't notice until after the fact that I am really not supposed to eat ground beef.  I am not that worried about it though, cause I bought the extra lean version.  

All in all it wasn't a bad day.  As with any new eating plan, I found myself obsessing over what I was going to eat next a bit too much.  I also felt hungry quite a bit.  The food I ate was good though, and I can honestly say that I did not feel completely deprived.  The biggest difficulty for me was getting all of that damn water down.  Also, I can tell I was having sugar withdrawal because I was having headaches.

Here's hoping that this is a worthwhile 10 days!

       _________________________________

On another note, I do plan to start Holly's 30 Day Shred Challenge.  I am going to try and do that in the evenings and my run in the morning.  Got both in and I am in agony feeling great!

Chin up, sweetheart...

This weight I am carrying is not something that just crept up on me all of a sudden as an adult.  I have been overweight for a long time.  When I look at old pictures of myself, I really see it start coming on as early as 4 years old.  By the time I was in kindergarten, I was fat.

Me at 4 years old -- already a little "chubby."

I was awkward as a kid.  I was clumsy and shy.  I had buck teeth, which later led to braces.  I had an odd sort of mullet hair cut, which later led to the frizzy poof that was so trendy in the late 80s/early 90s.  I had all of this and was fat too.

               1st or 2nd grade.  Diggin the hair...                                   Fifth grade

                                   Junior High                                               Junior high.  

In elementary school, I never really experienced bullying.  I went to a small, parochial school, so I was with the same group of kids (give or take a few) from 1st until 8th grade.  We basically grew up with one another, so that kind of thing just didn't happen.  I was also the "nice one," which sort of shielded me from mean comments.  Because I had grown up with this group of classmates, they did not say hurtful things because they knew very well how nice I had been to all of them all those years.  

High school was not great.  I was insecure about my weight and wished that I could be thin.  The problem is that I did nothing to alter my lifestyle.  Hoping and wishing was as far as it went.  I went to two different high schools because my family moved at the beginning of my sophomore year.  Mean comments mostly happened at the first high school that I went to in Indianapolis.  We had a strict dress code, so we pretty much had to dress up every day.  I wasn't wearing the latest teenage trends, because I could not fit into them.  Mean girls made some horrible comments about my clothes.  I would often go home and cry in my room...and then comfort myself with a hostess snack cake.   

Even though those people were cruel, I wanted to fit in so badly.  I was grasping at anything to make me look the part in a sense.  I remember that a local sporting goods store was selling these beautiful embroidered sweatshirts with the school name on it.  All of the girls were wearing them, and I really wanted one.  I will never forget the Friday night that my dad went and bought me one.  I was so excited!  I wore it to school for spirit day the next week and my joy was quickly ripped away.  The girl who made my life miserable pointed at me and said, "Look at her, trying to be like us! Isn't that cute?  I am surprised they even made one in her size!"   I felt like I had been punched in the gut with an iron fist.  Devastated, I went home and cried in my room again, feeling guilty that dad had bought me the shirt,when he could have used his money for something else.   I remember wishing that I could leave that awful school.    About a year later, I would get my wish...

My family and I moved to Richmond, Indiana.  I went from a small, parochial high school to a huge public school.  Even though I was scared of the new, giant size, it was actually a blessing.  I could more easily fade into the background here...just be another face in the really large crowd.  I made a few really good friends and that was that.  I don't remember getting bullied there.  I mean, there were a few occasional fat jokes made by a couple moron boys, but that was it.  I was my own worst enemy at this point in my life.  No one was giving me a real hard time, but I hated the way I looked.  I wanted to be one of the "cool kids."  I wanted to be asked to prom.  I wanted to have a boyfriend.  That just didn't happen for me.   You know the funny thing?  I look at pictures of myself from high school and there was nothing wrong with me!  Sure, I was a little overweight, but it wasn't an appalling amount.  I so wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to ease up a bit and stop being so hard on herself. 

               Senior Year.  Sorry for blurriness.                                                      Junior Year

As I moved on to college and into adulthood, I really did nothing to make myself healthier.  I lost weight in college because of all the walking on campus.  No crazy drop in weight though.  I dated a little, but nothing serious.  It wasn't until I was near graduation that I met Tim.  I really almost screwed that up because I couldn't believe that he actually found someone who looked like me attractive.  I couldn't get it through my thick skull, but little by little, I started to believe him.

Now, I am 34 years old and still struggling.  I am just tired of the struggle.  It is time to stop playing these stupid games with myself.  I am ready in a way that I have not been ready before.  Ready in a way that I was not ready when I joined and rejoined Weight Watchers ten thousand times.  Ready in a way I was not ready when I attempted the various fad diets out there.  The time is now and I want this so badly.  

I know that I have mentioned her a couple times already, but my late grandmother was a huge part of my life and I have missed her deeply since her passing a few years back.  When I was sad and she saw it, she would walk up to me, pat me on the leg, and say, "Chin up, sweetheart."  It always seemed to make me feel better.

Well, I wrote a poem awhile back for one of my students with that very title.  I work with teenagers on a daily basis.  For some reason, even though I hated high school, I have placed myself there professionally.  It is because I want to help kids.  I see so many girls who have the same or worse struggles than I had.  One in particular writes poetry.  She wanted me to read her poems and they were all filled with self-loathing.  I decided that the next time she opened that tattered little composition book, I wanted her to read something positive about herself.  When she left her poems with me, I found a blank page and wrote a poem for her to find.  I am not a poet, but I felt compelled to find a way to reach her.  So, I am going to close with the poem I left for her that day.

They Say it's Your Birthday!!

It's my birthday too, yeah!!

One of my favorite things Tim does on birthdays:  He comes downstairs, pulls out The Beatles (The White Album) on vinyl (of course) and blares "Birthday."  It is a fun way to wake up, and since Tim is so passionate about his vinyl collection, this is his version of a greeting card.  Fun stuff...

This was his morning Facebook message to me:

You would have to know Tim, to know that this is funny, I guess.  He has a very dry, interesting sense of humor.  

So, yes, it is my birthday...my 34th.

I wish I could say that I was doing something crazy-exciting, but I am not.  That's ok though.  I am spending it with my family and am going to enjoy their company.  I am sure I will be treated to dinner out, and I am looking forward to that!  Birthday dinners always taste better, right?

Actually, the best gift that I have gotten so far, is that it is 7:30 and Darcy is still sleeping.  This never happens.  It is going to be a good day.

There I am, 33 years ago. Cute, huh?  Looking at this reminds me how much my own daughter looks like me...

ANYWAY, there are a few promises that I am making for myself during this 34th year.  I am determined to make this year a turning point.

1. This will be last birthday where I will be this size.  I am not going to say that I will be a certain weight, because it is impossible to predict what I can lose exactly.  When I get to go shopping with the gift cards that I get from friends and family, I want to be able to buy my clothes in a normal store.  I would be thrilled to purchase any article of clothing in the Misses section -- other than socks.
2. I want to have run more than one 5K by this time next year.  I am training right now and it is rough.  I want to feel all bad ass by running 3 miles with ease.  Let's define ease,shall we?  Ease = not cursing the whole way and not feeling like I am gargling my heart.  Would also be nice to look hot in my running gear...you know, as hot as tank tops and yoga capris can look. May still curse the whole way -- just cause it's fun to scare the neighbors.  
3. I am gonna buy purdier clothes.  Tired of da frump.  Just cause I am fat, doesn't mean I don't deserve to look cute.
4. I am going to try and reward myself for meeting milestones with my weight loss.  These rewards cannot be food.  Chocolate does not equal happiness....
5. I want to actually believe the last part of #4.
6. I am going to be a little more selfish and learn to take care of myself.  Never putting myself first is part of the problem.  
7. I want to have shared a lot of breakthrough, positive moments with all of you.

And now...

A friend of mine has already sent me a couple of these. I nearly shot coffee out my nose with the first one. Second one is funny 'cause it's true.

Have a great day, everyone!